ずっと許そうとがんばってたんだ。気づかなかった。(その1)

夫婦

 

 

はじめに強めに言っときたいんやけど、わたしの旦那は人として素敵な人やと思うし、すごくいい人なんですよ

 

ただ、何年も夫婦をやってきた中でいろいろ考え方や価値観が違うなって思うところは当然にあって、それを踏まえた上で読んでもらいたい。。

 

 

この記事に書いてるように、わたしは義父母を受け付けないんやけど。
もちのろん、この記事に書ききれてないことは山のようにあります。
(細かいことは忘れちゃってるけど。)

 

そんな中で、夫婦喧嘩を幾度となくしてきたんやけどね。
今でこそ、わたしの言ってる意味をわかってくれるようになったけど、当時の旦那には何を言っても通じなかったんよね。

 

もちろん逆も然りで、わたしは『こいつの感覚おかしんじゃねーの?』くらいに思ってましたよ。
そのくらい育ってきた環境が真逆と言っていいくらい違ったんですよね。

 

まあ、色々散々なこともあったけど、それでも今に至ってるわけで。
お互いが一緒にいたいと思って一緒にいると思うんです。

 

で、
先日、ほんと久々に死ぬほど嫌な気分になりました。
消えたいと思ったくらいやからね。
死ぬほど嫌やったんやろね、わたし。

 

旦那の弟、つまりはわたしの義弟にあたる子が結婚式を挙げたんよね。
そのことを書いた記事にも書いたけど、わたしにとってはどうでもいいことです。
でも、旦那にとっては実の弟の結婚式なわけでどうでもいいわけではないんやろう。

 

これはわたしにはワカラナイ感覚で、わたしは実の弟の結婚式でもたいして重要視しないタイプなので、正直それがそんなに大事なことっていうのがわかりません。
冠婚葬祭を特別大事なものと見てないんですよね。

 

わたしの場合は、旦那や子どもの気持ちを最優先したいと考えてるんやけど。
逆の立場で、もしも旦那が嫌な気分になるようなら、わたしは血族の結婚式であろうと行かない選択をすると思います。

 

そこは旦那は違うようで、冠婚葬祭に重きを置いているのかよくわからないけど、わたしの気持ちは無視して行動します。(それが悪いという話ではない。)

 

先日あった義弟の結婚式。
旦那は朝早くから家を出ました。
午前中からあったみたいで、それなら遅くとも夕方には終えて、遠方とは言え19時とか20時くらいには帰ってくるもんやろうと、わたしは思ってたんよね。

 

ところがどっこい!
帰ってきたのは、22時半やったかな?
かなり予想に反して遅かったんよね。

 

わたしはむちゃくちゃ嫌な気分になりました。
だって、わたしは弟の結婚式に行くんだと思って送り出したから。

 

状況の察しがつかないと、色んな想像をしますよ。
実家からもらったであろう米を持って帰って来たんです。
間違いなく実家に行ってるなって思うわけです。
それは旦那の自由ということは頭ではわかってます。
でも、心が感じるのはすごい嫌悪感!なんですよね。

 

米は米。金は金。
そのモノ自体はそのモノであって、色をつけて見てるのはわたしやとわかってるけど、それでも大嫌いな義父母からもらった米は見るだけで気分が悪かったんよね。

 

わたしは常々、頭で考えることより心が感じたことを優先したいと思ってます。
『そんな米を研げと?食えと?』…
『そんな米は要らぬ!!』
まあ、そんな感じですよ。

 

旦那は「捨てる」といって家からその米を持ち出しました。

 

やけどね、わたし的には

義父母から米を受け取ったことが嫌

なんですよ。
受け取った時点で向こうはイイ気分なわけです。
義父母の気持ちは満たされてるわけです。
それが気に食わない。

 

ブラックなわたしが丸見えですね。

 

 

でも本音です。

 

 

 

何年も前やけど、旦那に

「ごめんやけど。今はほんまに無理やから、少しの間、義父母と連絡取るのやめて欲しい」

って、お願いしたことがあるんです。

 

その頃ほんまに参ってしまっててね。
歩けなくなって整形外科に行って、先生から「かなりのストレスあるね」って言われたくらいで。
生まれて初めて過呼吸にもなった頃なんよね。

 

旦那はね、めっちゃ優しくてわたしのことを大事に考えてくれてたからね、
「わかった。もう連絡取らへん。けい(わたし)が落ち着くまで、もう関わらへんから。けいが1番大事やから。大丈夫。」

って言ってくれたんです。
救われたよね。
めっちゃ嬉しかったし、この人を好きになって良かったと思ったよ。

 

でもね、

 

 

 

 

わずか1ヶ月後くらいに、
旦那は母の日やからという理由で義母と連絡を取ってたんです。
(気になるときは携帯見てもイイということで携帯を見て発覚。)

 

この当時、旦那とは一緒に居だして2〜3年ほどで、この男クソやなと思いました。

 

おまけに義母からは
「もうすぐ父の日やから、お父さんに連絡入れたってな」ってメールがきてました。

 

 

 

 

きっしょーーッッ!!!!

 

 

 

 

わたし、そう思いました。
とっくに大人になってる人間が母親から「父の日やから連絡入れてあげて」とか、まじ気持ち悪くないですか?(笑)

 

これが普通の人もいるんやろうけど、わたしにとっては引くくらい気持ち悪いことです。

 

んなもん、本人が決めることやろがー!!
というのが、わたしの感想です。
ああーきもっ。

 

この時、わたしは旦那に心の底から

裏切られた!

と思ったんよね。

 

 

(※めっちゃ長くなりそうなので、いったんココで区切ります。)

 

つづく…

 

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